I find it kind of funny…
The renowned artist Gary Jules composed a melody in the past, titled Mad World. Within its chorus, a particular line resonated deeply within me, stating, “And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” Although uncertain of its intended meaning, it appears to reflect the essence of existence at the age of forty…
Do not fret, for things shall improve… should you persevere until the culmination of this journey. I assure you.
Contemplating on the matter, I pondered whether it was necessary to express my thoughts. What words could I possibly utter to encapsulate the transformations that have transpired within a year? Merely thirteen months ago, I was a mere forty years old, and now, as another year draws to a close, I find myself at the age of forty-one. I had resolved to refrain from discussing age until I reached the age of fifty…
Each passing day, my mind races, striving to comprehend, striving to progress, striving, striving, striving… I yearned for change, for something new and different. Something superior.
My birthday is not one for revelry or gatherings, as I have come to realize. Instead, I indulge in solitude, treating myself to champagne and other delights, fortunate that my birthday coincides with the Christmas holiday season. It is a time for introspection, reflection, and self-embrace. Though it may commence with arduousness, it gradually finds its way to tranquility and enlightenment. This perspective on birthdays did not originate from within me, as I was once convinced that they should be celebrated amidst the presence of loved ones, family, and friends… While I comprehend the allure of such festivities, I hold no expectations from anyone, and this brings me serenity. As a life experience, anything beyond this is either delightful or dreadful, and even so, I accept that I have no control over what unfolds. People are not always within proximity, and each individual must navigate their own path in life…
As the day unfolds, I find myself either extending an invitation to someone or receiving one myself, as a way to conclude my birthday. However, the true culmination lies in returning to solitude and indulging in a moment of contemplation before retiring for the night.
Now, as the year 2023 draws to a close, what wisdom can I impart? Perhaps I shall reflect upon the experiences I have had and discern the path they have paved. Although 2023 did not align with my desires, nor did my birthday — spending the entire day at the Tax Office, no less, and on a Monday at that — maybe it was the year I truly needed, just as my birthday was.
Friends have come and gone, and time has slipped away. This year has been a mixture of significant progress and unpleasant encounters. I have distanced myself from things and individuals I abhor, not out of disdain for their humanity, but rather due to their inherent qualities. I have chosen to surround myself with individuals who possess sophistication and professionalism, making conscious decisions to enhance both my personal and professional life.
Amidst the journey of life, I have come to realize the importance of acceptance, a principle that I hold dear. It has required me to embrace this virtue in various ways. I have had to acknowledge that I cannot control the choices made by others, even if their decisions have a negative impact on me. Furthermore, I have had to accept that, although it was their decisions that influenced the outcome, I too played a part by allowing myself to overlook warning signs due to my desire to see the goodness in them. I must also acknowledge that the unfavorable paths I found myself on were a result of my own decisions, not because I did something right or wrong, but simply because I made a choice and the consequences were unfavorable.
In my observations, I have witnessed arrogance, and it has proven to be a waste of precious time. Time, you see, is delicate and cannot be governed by the numbers displayed on a clock. If one wishes to manage and structure time according to their desires, it is crucial to prioritize ample sleep and utilize the waking hours wisely.
At times, it feels as though time is working against me, rushing by at an alarming pace, while on other occasions, it drags on painfully slow. Yet, there are moments when time is just and fair, aligning perfectly with the rhythm of life. In the realm of dreams, I have experienced both the sensation of impending demise and the burden of fear, sadness, and despair. Still, I have not yet discovered where my true home lies. However, within the realm of dreams, I have found glimpses of it, and those fleeting moments bring about a sense of tranquility and joy.
Patience is an eternal lesson, as time holds no sway over my will. I shall embrace the present and make the most of what is bestowed upon me. The year 2023 brought forth numerous blessings, surpassing any hardships encountered. To witness the transformation we yearn for, we must consciously choose our path.
I have come to two realizations: cease pretending to enjoy what brings no joy, and boldly embrace one’s true passions. Life at the age of 40 is a splendid blend of excitement and introspection, accompanied by a multitude of inquiries. If given the chance to start anew, I would tread the same path without hesitation — onwards and upwards.
